Two Feet Off The Ground Read online

  Just like Aziza with the whole smoking fiasco. Aziza complained whenever a smoker lit up within twenty feet of her. Now look at her keeping the cigarette companies in business for yet another week just because her new sex partner smoked. This was so not Aziza. I was hoping by the time I got back from my trip, Aziza would tell me that Tania lit one up while they were having breakfast and she flipped out on her, told her to quit or else, and then poof, no more recaps of Aziza and Tania sex. She’d go back to being repulsed by smelly smokers and the world would be right again.

  Maybe I could convince the gang to dump the whole White House idea and settle on a nice breakfast in that cute garden restaurant I saw down the street from the hotel. I could blame it on Owen—that he had a mad craving for waffles. Paula would totally back him up on that one. Let’s see would Paula choose staring at an antique desk that Truman’s wife wrote letters at eons ago or swallowing buttery cinnamon rolls, smoked bacon, and all the chocolate chip waffles she could fit in her belly?

  Just as I guessed, Owen gladly took the fall for me. Not even an hour later, syrup dripped down his chin as he frantically stuffed a forkful of pancakes into his mouth. I hadn’t even finished buttering my wheat toast when he slammed his fork onto the table claiming winner of the race that no one else seemed to be competing in. Jake played with a sausage link. Michael cut his waffle into squares. Amber stirred Splenda into her first cup of coffee, and Grandma Swanson mumbled something about her cold tea.

  Owen couldn’t wait to see the IMAX movie, he had told her that morning. When we all darted out of the restaurant and started walking towards the museums, he almost ran me over right there on the sidewalk. I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him aside. “Seriously? Is this how you’re going to act all day?”

  He sulked and wriggled.

  “You need to last all day. We’re going to be doing a lot of walking and I’m not going to ask Coach to carry your butt back to the hotel because you used up all your energy in the first half hour.”

  He craned his neck to see around me. “They’re getting way ahead of us.”

  I looked behind me and they were a good fifty yards away already. But, not Paula. She stood a short distance from us scanning the restaurant’s menu, the one she already studied in great detail while ordering. Ah, what a lady.

  “Fine just go,” I told him. Why lecture? He wouldn’t listen anyway. When we got home, I’d cut all sugar from his diet. Period.

  “Honestly,” I said to Paula as he whizzed by me. “Since he turned twelve, he lost all ability to listen to a word I say.”

  “He’ll turn out just fine. He’s a typical active kid not wanting one single morsel of life to pass him by. Be thankful. The majority of the kids I teach are fat and lazy. It’s a miracle they actually get up out of their seats when the bell rings.”

  “I guess I’d rather him be a firecracker than a dud. He’s always been a bundle of energy. He used to drive me nuts when I’d take him to the park as a toddler. He was the only three-year-old who could climb the twenty steps to the big kid ladder and self-propel down it. He’d fly down on his behind so fast that he’d knock me down on my ass every time. The kid has no fear.”

  “Fear is boring and useless,” she said.

  * *

  I stood in line for the IMAX movie. The kids bubbled with joy. In exactly eleven minutes they would stick their 3-D glasses on their faces and watch sea monsters come to life. The ticket agents promised lots of colorful fish and danger. I just wanted off my achy feet. But I didn’t want to fall asleep, just yet. Sea Monsters, 3-D? Really? I’d much rather go see that jellyfish exhibit. They mate instead of just spread their eggs around like chicken feed. They have sex. I read it that morning on the Internet. How fascinating. Paula taught a science class. She’d get a kick out of that for sure.

  I scanned our group. Chuck and Amber stood off to the side holding hands. How hard could it be for them to watch mine and Paula’s group? I tapped Paula’s arm and pulled her away from the kids. “Want to sneak out of this and go watch jellyfish make babies?”

  The way her mouth curled up like the Joker in Batman one would’ve thought I asked her to go have sex in the tank. “Really?”

  I leaned into her. “Go ask your brother if he can watch the kids for us.”

  “It’s Sea Monsters, though!” she said as if Jimmy Choo was giving away free shoes.

  I lowered my eyes. “Please.”

  “Jellyfish, huh?”

  I pushed her forward. “Go ask him.”

  Paula halted. “Are we really going to watch jellyfish?”

  I slid my fingers down her arm and smiled innocently. “Maybe.”

  She winked and strutted over to her brother. Twenty seconds later she jumped back by my side and led me towards the staircase. “Let’s go hang upstairs and people watch.”

  For a moment I thought to run back and tell Owen I’d wait outside the theater for him. But, he’d be more surprised to actually see me sitting in the theater. So, I just scaled the steps two at a time alongside Paula hoping we could find some deep, dark nook somewhere on the top level where we could act like a couple of horny jellyfish. Gosh, I was a terrible mom.

  By the time we reached the third floor, I could barely breathe. We stood and looked out over the enormous foyer below us. People billowed in and out of the front entrance like ants lined up for a bread crumb picnic. I looked around. The reptiles and amphibian exhibits lined the walls behind us. “Let’s go check out some frogs.”

  I was in control now.

  We walked towards the entrance to the exhibit and passed a half-opened door. “I bet that’s where they catalog all this stuff.” Paula stopped and stuck her head through. “Just a dark hallway with a couple of stacked boxes.”

  We waltzed over to the display of skeletal frogs, which were labeled with great detail. “Pretty much leaves noting to the imagination, huh?” I asked her who looked about as excited with the frogs than a kid would be reading an encyclopedia on summer vacation.

  She managed to swallow a yawn discretely.

  “Museums do that to me, too,” I said. “I don’t know what it is. As soon as I enter, I start yawning. I think maybe it’s the stale air.”

  “I always thought museums should be more interactive. You know, like have these frogs leaping all around this display.”

  “Actually, they have the insect zoo around the bend,” I said. “You’ll see lots of live things hopping and crawling around.” I read all about it that morning. I picked up her hand. “They let you pick up a tarantula and hold it in the palm of your hand.” I circled my finger around her palm, looking down at it, studying her calloused hand. “Wanna try?”

  She just stared at me. She traveled her gaze down to my lips and back up again. “I have a better idea.”

  She led me back towards the cracked door. “Wait!” I skidded to a stop. “We could get arrested going in there.”

  “We’re not going to get arrested. Trust me.” She pressed us closer to the door.

  “Paula, seriously, if we get caught…”

  “Who’s going to catch us?”

  “There’s security everywhere. They’ve probably got a camera on us right now.” I scanned the corners of the room. I hated that everything had to be an adventure for her. What would they do? Travel down the halls and look in boxes to see unmarked skeletal systems?

  She nuzzled up to my ear. “I need some alone time with you.”

  I liquefied right there in front of the life-sized poster of the warty frog. Suddenly, an afternoon in jail didn’t seem all that bad a consequence. I trailed her into the dark hall and closed the door behind us.

  Circled in black air, I shuddered when Paula’s lips landed softly on my neck. She lowered me to the floor, propping me against some stacked boxes. Her lips caressed my skin as they traveled down the side of my neck and onto my collarbone. I tilted my head back and invited her to explore down further.

  “Now isn’t this worth it?” she asked.
>
  I’d risk a whole year in jail for five minutes alone with this woman.

  She leaned into me and grazed through the opening of my v-neck, stopping just shy of my breast’s curve. She moaned and traced my breast with breath so hot, it seriously could’ve melted the polar ice caps.

  I ignited, glowing like red, hot coals. She continued to descend towards my nipple. When her mouth wrapped around it, my whole body pulsed. I steadied my head against the boxes and rode out each ripple bracing for the orgasm.

  Her moaning intensified.

  I was so close, right there teetering on the edge of pleasure. I reached out for it. It teased me, lying right there within my grasp. There I went, full force ahead running for that euphoric cascade of delight.

  But, then, her tongue stopped mid-flick.

  “Oh God, please don’t stop,” I mumbled, reaching desperately for my orgasmic fix.

  She slapped the floor behind my butt and then shot up on her knees, squealing like a cornered pig in a pen being chased by fifty hungry men. “There’s a snake crawling behind you.” She scrambled over my legs and tore the door open, still squealing.

  A mother, father and their two kids stared down at us with open-mouths. I kicked the door shut.

  “I’m sure it’s not a snake.” I wrestled to keep her from opening the door again.

  “I’ve got to get out of here.” She broke through my arms and ran out, leaving me standing in the dark with one boob resting on the edge of my v-neck. I shoved it back in my bra and steadied my shaking as best I could.

  So this was what the ole’ blue ball syndrome felt like to a guy? I seriously contemplated closing the door and finishing the job myself. I needed the release in a bad way.

  I rubbed the wall for the light switch. I flicked it on and looked at the ground. A cable. A stupid cable.

  Paula was still grappling for air by the salamander case when I brought out the piece of cable. “Here’s your snake.”

  She smiled weakly at me and bowed her head. “I just assumed,” she stammered. “We were in amphibian and reptile territory, in the dark. Just seemed logical under the circumstances.”

  I didn’t care that the family stared at us from a distance like we were a couple of hoodlums from the streets. I hugged her right out there in the open, enjoying the rare moment when someone was actually more afraid of something than me.

  Okay, now she was even more adorable than I’d ever thought possible.

  Chapter Nine

  Paula and I weren’t the only ones having fun in Washington. We met the gang on the top floor of the rotunda at the exit to the IMAX. Owen bounced towards me claiming that he now wanted to be an Oceanographer. Last week he already had his admissions essay worked out in his brain for the Naval Academy because he was sure he was supposed to be the first man on Mars.

  “Who wants to go to the Air and Space Museum?” Chuck asked the gang.

  “But we didn’t get to see the insect zoo,” Owen said.

  “We can come back here tomorrow,” Chuck said. “You’re going to love the Air and Space. They have a flight simulator ride.”

  “Let’s do it, then.” Paula led the group forward and everyone followed like a herd of sheep. Chuck quickly caught up to her and took over the lead.

  My feet began to throb. According to my map, the Air and Space was at least a ten minute walk. I wanted to punch Chuck.

  He just strutted forward like he owned the nation’s capitol. We walked dutifully behind him like idiots marching behind our leader. Didn’t anyone else feel like dropping to their feet and plopping in the plush carpeted lawn? The smell of hotdogs and pretzels begged me to stop and indulge. By then, even Amber lagged behind him limping ever so slightly on her right foot, because her left ankle was bleeding.

  If me and Paula went to Massachusetts and got married, she’d be family.

  Too bad at the start of life we didn’t get a catalog to take along with us. It would be like the Sear’s Wish Book I used to browse to tell Santa what I wanted for Christmas. Instead of circling dolls with growing hair or tea sets with pretty pink cups and saucers, I’d choose a sunny, fall day on the coast of P-Town where Owen walked me down an aisle lined with my smiling friends and family right into the arms of Paula. I’d be wearing a gorgeous, fitted wedding gown and my hair would cascade down my open back in loose tendrils adorned with Baby’s Breath and miniature roses. I’d turn the page of this catalog and then circle a Cape Cod house with a bay window where my four boxer dogs would wait for me or Owen or Paula to come home. Oh yeah, and I’d circle the most important thing of all—a lifetime with the woman who adored me for who I was. She wouldn’t try to change me. She’d take care of me and understand when I wanted to sit out, and not be repulsed that I fear things.

  Amber’s baby voice snapped me out of my blissful reverie. “My feet are killing me.”

  “Well, we could just stop and rest on a bench if you want and catch up with them in a few minutes.”

  Relief brightened Amber’s pained face. She cupped her hands to her mouth and yelled up to Chuck. “We’ll meet you in there.”

  Chuck just waved back at her and marched onwards. Paula scooped her head back and I waved her forward, too.

  We parked ourselves on a bench overlooking miles of grass that extended from the capitol building to the Jefferson Memorial. A group of college students flung a Frisbee back and forth with great precision. Then a beagle sniffed at us as he walked by with his owner, wagging his tail like the propeller on Chuck’s plane.

  “I love dogs,” I said to Amber.

  “Me, too. We want to get two of them when we get married. I want a small lap dog, and Chuck wants a Rottie. The only thing is trying to figure out a way to have two dogs with all the traveling we plan to do. We take off quite a bit. And now, with Paula maybe moving to California, we’re never going be home. We’ll have paradise calling us. We’ll probably move there if she takes the job. I can’t imagine Chuck without Paula. That’d be like Joey without Chandler. There’s a reason that Joey spin-off show never worked out. Now if they had cast Chandler on it, too, I bet they’d still have jobs.”

  I lagged a few sentences behind imagining Paula standing under a palm tree holding a glass of beer in one hand and a gorgeous Californian beauty in the other. “Did she say if she’s seriously considering packing up and moving there?”

  “Well, of course. I mean, who wouldn’t jump at the chance? It’s California.”

  “Paula hasn’t mentioned anything more about it,” I said.

  “How do you feel about her moving there?”

  “I haven’t thought about it too much.” I fidgeted, my lie tripping out of my mouth.

  “It’s a great opportunity for her. It’s triple in salary what she makes now.”

  “Triple?” How could I compete?

  “Six figures.” Amber cocked her head to the side to drive home the winning point.

  “Paula doesn’t strike me as someone motivated by money,” I said. “I mean she’d be so far away from everyone she knows. She can’t just pick up the phone at ten o’clock at night and catch up with Chuck, you know? It’d be like what? One o’clock in the morning here?”

  Amber stared straight ahead, unwilling to make eye contact. “Chuck wants this for her. She’s dreamed of California her entire life. She sees her life there. Athletic director, gosh, it doesn’t get any clearer that this is the right decision for her. She’s born for that role. What she does here with some of those troubled middle school kids is admirable, but hardly a good enough reason to stay.”

  What about budding love for a reason to stay? People couldn’t go around placing price tags around the neck of love. What good was money without having someone to share it with? That’d be like wearing a diamond necklace with a t-shirt from a 5-K road race.

  “That’d be really hard on the kids,” I said, in a way that almost accused Amber of being unreasonable and downright mean.

  “Hard on you, you mean?”

&nbs
p; No one had ever bitch-slapped me across the face before, but I was pretty sure that Amber just did. “Why would you say that?”

  Amber continued to stare ahead, like the Frisbee game was more exciting than Tiger Woods shooting the last hole of the U.S. Open. “We’re just looking out for Paula’s best interest.”

  Was I not in Paula’s best interest? “I think Paula’s a grown woman who can make reasonable choices on her own.” I stood up. I didn’t like Amber anymore. She was burying her red claws into my life, my business, and I wasn’t about to let her mess it up.

  “Are you willing to pack up and move to California?” Amber asked.

  Was this bitch crazy? Heck no. I wouldn’t have to. If Paula loved me, she wouldn’t need that job. She’d have everything in life that she needed in Rhode Island. “Maybe.”

  * *

  I strolled up to the group. “Where’s Amber?” Chuck asked.

  “She’s still out there on the bench.”

  Chuck studied my face. “She said something to you, didn’t she?”

  “We talked, yeah.”

  “What did she say?” Chuck’s face softened. He placed his hand on my shoulder. I always wanted a big brother like him. I wanted to cry suddenly and warn him his fiancé was the devil with flamethrowers for eyes. I wanted to warn him that he was about to marry a psycho who would probably stomp on an injured bird just for kicks.

  “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” I circled my head around the foyer. “Where’s the bathroom?”

  He pointed straight ahead. “We’ll wait here for you.”

  What a nice guy. Amber didn’t deserve him. “I’ll catch up with you all. Where are you going to be?”

  “We’re going to ride the simulator!” Owen leapt forward at me barely missing my toes.

  Great.

  * *

  I splashed some cool water on my face in the bathroom. No amount would erase the fact that I was a big liar. No way in hell would I move to California. I was a walking nerve bomb afraid of those very things that thrilled Paula most. I don’t think we could’ve been any more opposite.